Doomed death of Stupidity
by Crystle
Summary: One day the world will die a doomed death of stupidity. CH TWO UP
1. Ch 1

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EVER WONDER.......  
  
why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?  
  
why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?  
  
why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?  
  
why "abbreviated" is such a long word?  
  
why doctors call what they do "practice"?  
  
why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?  
  
why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing  
  
liquid is made with real lemons?  
  
why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?  
  
why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?  
  
who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?  
  
why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?  
  
why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?  
  
why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for  
  
the indestructible black box ?  
  
why sheep don't shrink when it rains?  
  
why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?  
  
if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of=20  
  
progress?  
  
why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?  
  
AND.......  
  
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because  
  
of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer  
  
goods.  
  
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Guess this is as good time as any to cure that wash-my-hair-in-the-middle-of-the-night-syndrome I have as any.......)  
  
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.  
  
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) *not mine, lol I just love this one*  
  
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (um...right....)  
  
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (Mommy! Is the food SUPPOSED to be this hard...?)  
  
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside  
  
down." (*Flipping over quickly*)  
  
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after  
  
heating." (......that's all I can say.......)  
  
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But I don't want to take them off...)  
  
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate  
  
machinery after taking this medication." (Junior, I won't repeat myself again....get off of that forklift!!)  
  
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (No.....ya think?)  
  
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use  
  
only." ( And I wanted to hang them somewhere else!)  
  
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."  
  
Hm...Maybe I need to study Japanese better but.....I never found the  
definition of 'other use' )  
  
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Whoa! I never knew...)  
  
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet  
eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) *Not my quote*  
  
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable  
  
you to fly." (So that's why I'm in the hospital right now.....)  
  
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with  
your hands  
  
or genitals." (....opps.....)  
  
-Whenever you're having a bad day and it seems like everyone's trying to tick you off, remember this-it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.  
  
-Health is mearly the slowest possible rate at which one can die.  
  
-Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.  
  
-Why is it called 'tourist season' if we can't shoot at them?  
  
-On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.  
  
-I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...  
  
-YOU!.... Off my planet!  
  
-I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.  
  
-When life hands you lemons, huck them back at life and demand the oranges you asked for in the first place.  
  
-Earth is full. Go home.  
  
-The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.  
  
-There IS intelligent life on Earth, but you're just visiting.  
  
-Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy  
  
-I'm smiling because they haven't found the bodies yet  
  
-Reality is for people who lack imagination  
  
-Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!  
  
-Talent cannot be rushed, only persuaded.  
  
-Normal people worry me  
  
-TV? Is that the big black box that looks like a monitor?  
  
-What light?! I'm still looking for the tunnel!!!  
  
-My inner child is a mean little brat  
  
-The truth is out there. Anyone know the URL?  
  
-I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.  
  
-I think, therefore I am dangerous.  
  
-Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about kittens  
  
-In a library, if you yell, "Aaaaah!" people just stare at you, but if you do the same thing on an airplane everyone joins in  
  
-When you live you risk dying. take the risk.  
  
-Friends are not necessary to live. They do, however, make life worth living  
  
-Friends are people who have your permission to be a pain in your butt  
  
-Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead  
  
-Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God  
  
-I'm an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to hold the halo up straight!  
  
-My software never has bugs. It just develops random features  
  
-A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?  
  
-I'd like to share a little anecdote that happened in the office the other day. Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer.  
  
So she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away Kristin called after him, "So, what was wrong?"  
  
And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."  
  
A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin's face. "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an ID ten T error before?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."  
  
So she wrote it out: "I D 1 0 T"  
  
-You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"  
  
-Never argue with someone more stupid than you, they'll only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience  
  
-If I never met you, I wouldn't like you; If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you; If I wouldn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.  
  
-Kisses are like tears - only the real ones you can't hold back  
  
-Some people think that holding on makes one strong...sometimes it's letting go  
  
-When you are sad, I will dry your tears. When you are scared, I will comfort your fears. When you are worried, I will give you hope. When you are confused, I will help you cope. And when you are lost, and can't see the light, I shall be your beacon, shining ever so bright. This is my oath I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.  
  
-I'm actually quite pleasent...until I wake up.  
  
-If at first you don't succeed, reload  
  
-When it hurts to look back and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and know your friend is there  
  
-When the silences are no longer awkward, you know you are around friends  
  
-It's hard to answer the question, "What's wrong?" when nothing's right  
  
-Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled*  
  
-When you're too busy for your friends, you're too busy  
  
-What's wrong with me,  
  
I've wondered a lot.  
  
What do other girls have  
  
That I haven't got?  
  
You don't know what you do to me,  
  
You don't have a clue.  
  
You don't know what it feels like  
  
To love someone who don't love you.  
  
A million words wont bring you to me,  
  
I know because I tried.  
  
Neither will a million tears,  
  
I know because I've cried.  
  
Are you afraid of love?  
  
Afraid of where to start?  
  
Are you afraid of a relationship  
  
That is doomed to fall apart?  
  
Kiss me in the light,  
  
then love me in the dark.  
  
Hold me till the end,  
  
I'll never break your heart.  
  
-I'm not supposed to love you,  
  
I'm not supposed to care.  
  
I'm not supposed to live my life  
  
wishing you where there.  
  
I'm not supposed to wonder  
  
where you are and what you do.  
  
I'm sorry, I cant help it.  
  
I fell in love with you.  
  
I hate the way you're always right.  
  
I hate the way you lie.  
  
I hate the way you make me laugh,  
  
And worse, when you make me cry.  
  
I hate the fact that your not around  
  
And that you never call.  
  
But most of all I hate the fact  
  
That I really don't hate you at all.  
  
-You are making progress if each mistake is a new one  
  
-Be a sound, not an echo*  
  
-Music is what feelings sound like*  
  
-Sorry, I'll be back in a sec. I'm busy avoiding you right now*  
  
-If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost  
  
-A true leader is easy to find - because even when they follow, they lead  
  
-I am not retreating, I am advancing in a different direction*  
  
-It is my observation that too many people are spending money that they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like*  
  
-Eskimo's have 49 words in their language to define snow because they have so much of it. In the English language, there are more then 50 ways to define a moron...*  
  
-It's a shame that stupidity isn't painful  
  
-Being yourself isn't hard. Finding out who you are is the hard part  
  
-Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you but trusting them not to*  
  
-I laugh in the face of danger! Then I hide until it goes away*  
  
-Did you know that "if" is the middle word in life?  
  
-Love is acceptance without judgment  
  
-Press Ctrl-Alt-Del twice now for IQ test*  
  
-Bandit - A wealth redistribution specialist  
  
-The most important invention is the contract. It makes it possible for two individual parties to list all the different ways they distrust each other  
  
-What's crazy? I'm not crazy...the world is crazy. I'm one of the few sane enough to see that!  
  
Have a nice day ...somewhere else  
  
-No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid  
  
-Support your local bloodhound - Get lost*  
  
-Welcome to the totally-automated, fully computerized world of the twenty- first century, where nothing can go wrong...go wrong...go wrong...  
  
-Oh dear, reality's on the blink again  
  
-Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off*  
  
-I live in my own little world, but it's okay......they know me here.*  
  
-Computers are the future. Oh, the future looks grim*  
  
-I'm one-of-a-kind. (Just what kind, nobody is really sure)*  
  
-There IS intelligent life in the universe. It ignores us  
  
-Could I get my membership fee back? I'd like to resign from the human race*  
  
-Insanity - A perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world  
  
-What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with  
  
-Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence  
  
-A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks  
  
-Sign on motorway garage: Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much, but our petrol is  
  
-Twenty-one days to break a bad habit, another month to build a new one- MOM! Where are my tools?!  
  
And now my favorite......Don't follow in my footsteps.....I run into many walls.****  
  
*****  
  
Kisa blinked. Than read the sheet of paper again. So Hiro /had/ convinced her.....one day, the world will die from utter and complete stupidity.  
  
*****  
  
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Heh Heh^^ You like it? I hope it made you laugh at least once. Most of these quotes are not mine. Some are, but I'm not gonna tell you which ones. ^_____^ However the ones with *s next to them are my favorites. Next chapter (If I get enough reviews) Is gonna be about YOUR quotes. So In a review give me all your quotes! They can be really dumb too! This is suppose to be funny right? I mean, yeah there are some serious ones, but that's there to give us a break from laughing! So send in ANY quote, any quote at all. And I'll be sure to give you credit. You can just have thought of it on the spot!  
  
Crystle 


	2. Ch 2

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The next day, Kisa ran into Hiro and told him that she believed him.  
  
"Okay." He said. "Than you can just read more for pleasure. If Kisa-chan wants to."  
  
***********  
  
-I always divide people into two groups. Those who live by what they know to be a lie, and those who live by what they believe, falsely, to be the truth.  
  
-Roses are red, violets are blue GOD made me me, what the heck did he make you?!*  
  
-I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.  
  
-Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.  
  
-Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.  
  
-Have no fear of perfection -- you'll never reach it.  
  
-A friend is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.*  
  
-War does not determine who is right - only who is left.  
  
-For goodness' sake give me the young man who has brains enough to make a fool of himself!  
  
-Cheer up! The worst is yet to come!  
  
-(Randy): I wish I were born in the pilgrims' age (Lisa): Why? (Randy): Then I wouldn't have to study them!  
  
-Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.  
  
-Half of the people in the world are below average*  
  
-On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!!!"***  
  
-Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering...however, we get married anyway. The rewards are better.  
  
-When you come to a fork in the road, take it  
  
-Sometimes things get rough..than you can say goodbye to me!  
  
-Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?  
  
-Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure  
  
-I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants*  
  
-When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.  
  
-There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened*  
  
-I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown  
  
-Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don't walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend.*  
  
-Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning  
  
-(Calvin): People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. (Hobbes): Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?*  
  
-Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning  
  
-A girl phoned me the other day and said ..... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home  
  
-When I was born ..... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ..... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could.....but he pulled through*  
  
-Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.  
  
-A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.  
  
-Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ...... do you think we'll ever find them? He said .... I don't know kid ..... there are so many places they can hide  
  
-I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get  
  
-My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him ..... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright..... you're ugly too!  
  
-Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.  
  
-Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former*  
  
-Don't ever kick a down man.....he's got the law on his side.  
  
-It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others  
  
-There are certain things on this green earth that I love. My friends are one of them.  
  
-Puppies earn your love. YOU earn your kitten's.  
  
-Molly got out of bed that morning; she brushed her teeth, took a shower, and went down for breakfast. She made breakfast, set it on a try and brought it to her mom. "Good morning Mother." "Good morning Molly." Her mother replied. "Sugar or cream with your tea, mother?" "Okay, what do you want?"  
  
-There is no winner in war. Both sides loose. If our world is so advanced, why hasn't anyone discovered that?*  
  
-The road to a friend's house is never long.  
  
-Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure  
  
-Never go to bed mad. Stay awake all night and plot horrible REVENGE!!!!  
  
-The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. I think we have our priorities all wrong.*  
  
-I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." ~~ Shirley Temple*  
  
-Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first*  
  
-The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us*  
  
-There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot  
  
-Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?  
  
-I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained  
  
-DOL is a measurement for pain. Coincidence? I don't think so...  
  
-Never say "Oops" in the operating room*  
  
-The tears I feel today  
  
I'll wait to shed tomorrow  
  
Though I will not sleep tonight  
  
Nor find surcease from sorrow  
  
My eyes must keep their sight  
  
I dare not be tear-blinded  
  
I must be free to talk  
  
Not choked with grief, clear minded  
  
My mouth cannot betray  
  
The anguish that I know  
  
Yes, I'll save my tear for later  
  
But my grief will never go  
  
-True treasure isn't found in pirate ships  
  
in chests of silver and gold  
  
True treasure isn't ruby rings  
  
and jewels from long ago  
  
You don't need to use a treasure map  
  
And find chests beneath the sea  
  
True treasure is simply the love  
  
And joy found in you and me.  
  
-There are many different ways on a roller coaster to make yourself feel better, or so I have heard. Some are quite funny. One of my friend's little sister used to yell into the air: SAUSAGE AND EGGS ON MY TOAST!!! Now she screams: FRUIT SALAD YUM YUM!!! Another kid laughs like a maniac the whole way through. Hey, he says it works. My old teacher used to repeat the pledge of allegiance, or Gettysburg's Address. Yup, she was my Social studies professor. My best friend's ways is much simpler she simply cusses in Japanese. One of my favorites, actually. It makes me feel better too. Maybe it has to do with my laughing so hard I can't breathe...  
  
The world is an odd place. There are many questions that are never answered yet often pondered. Listed below are only some of them. Maybe yours will be answered. Or maybe not. Maybe you've asked yourself these riddles your whole life.....or maybe you never even wondered..  
  
~How does the Campbell Soup Company determine which letters to place in their alphabet soup? Is there an equal amount of each letter? Or are the letters equally inserted into the can?  
  
~Why do fingernails grow faster than toenails?  
  
~What is the purpose of that little piece of skin like thing hanging in the back of our throat? (The thing that is usually used as a punching bag in cartons when someone get swallowed.)  
  
~Why are most cameras black?  
  
~What causes double yolked eggs?  
  
~Why are barns red?  
  
~Why do you so often see one shoe lying on the side of the road?  
  
~Why is yawning contagious?  
  
~Why do we give apples to teachers?  
  
~Why are commercials louder than normal TV?  
  
~Why is US paper money green?  
  
~Why do we have to close our eyes when we sneeze?  
  
~Why are most pencils painted yellow?  
  
~Why must you use #2 pencils on the SAT?  
  
~Why are there cracks on the sidewalks at regular intervals?  
  
~And the last. Are you convinced yet?  
  
****  
  
Kisa set down the piece of paper. What /were/ the answers to those questions?  
  
*****  
  
Yeah, I know this chapter was suppose to be YOUR quotes but I just didn't get enough (HINT HINT) So PLEASE do review. And I do know the answers to all those questions. SO review and I'll tell you in the next chapter!^^ And remember to submit your own quotes, I'll give you credit.^^ PLEASE..  
  
Crystle 


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